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Here is the continuation of the interview with Jim Taylor Ph.D. 

Dr. Taylor answers a multitude of questions on a variety of topics including teen stress, academic successs and successful parenting techniques. We’ve broken the interview up into sections and will be posting a few of the questions and answers every day. So, stay tuned… 

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To what extent is it (fear of failure, the pressure students feel, desire to be perfect) the parents’ fault, and to what extent can parents remedy the situation?  

Dr. Taylor: Ultimately with raising kids, responsibility is on parents. If kids are struggling because of these issues, they are, have to be held responsible. At the same time, the great thing about responsibility is they also have the power to do good with them. I’ve worked with many families where the kids are struggling because the parents are just pushing way too hard in a lot of bad ways. And when parents make the necessary changes, this incredible weight is lifted off kids’ shoulders. And what’s amazing is that by taking this weight of “success” off their shoulders, they actually feel liberated to pursue their goals and achieve as much as they can. 

Now for parents who are unsure if they fall into this overboard category, what kind of things could they ask themselves?  

Dr. Taylor: There are, in fact, a lot of red flags that parents can look for. Are they perfectionists themselves and are they placing expectations that are simply unrealistic on children? Another one is when parents talk about what I call the “we syndrome.” The kid comes home with their grade report and they go “we got really good grades” or “we didn’t do very well this semester.” Well, I didn’t see the parents taking the tests and doing the schoolwork. Also emotionally … Do parents get more excited for their kids achievements when they succeed and are they more depressed and frustrated and angry when they do poorly? Also, one of the most dangerous words in parenting is a simple three-letter word, T-O-O, too. Parents wanna care about their kids’ achievements but they don’t want to care too much. They want them to be important to them, but not too much. And so parents can look for how invested they are in their kids’ performances and their school efforts and see whether it’s helping or hurting their kids. And, of course, you can see a lot of these symptoms of these red flags in kids themselves. Fear of success, excessive criticism, loss of motivation. 

Are there things that parents can ask their children that might indicate this?

Dr. Taylor: I don’t think asking questions of kids is the best way to find out. I think more often than not parents need to ask themselves questions, ask themselves why they’re pushing their kids, and in who’s best interest. Because I find so often parents who engage in what I call old-style pushing. They’re pushing their kids to satisfy their own needs, not what’s in the best interest of their kids. And in, kids have a tremendous capability to communicate with their parents. Unfortunately parents don’t speak their language. If there’s a child who is angry or acting very frustrated or losing motivation and giving up easily, parents will say oh they’re so angry or they, they’re just lazy or ungrateful. When, in fact, these are cries for help, and they’re indications that they need to look somewhere else. They need to look deeper for what’s really going on. 

Do you have some specific examples you’ve seen in your practice of things that really exemplify this kind of behavior?

Dr. Taylor: I see parents, for example, when kids bring home their grades and they’re not up to snuff, they yell at them. Or the parents cry. I see that a lot, a ton at sporting events when their kids lose. I see it where parents said very clear expectations, where you must get As when the child might not simply be capable of getting As, even if they work very hard. 

This article was reported by Ivanhoe.com who offers Medical Alerts by e-mail every day of the week. To subscribe, go to http://www.ivanhoe.com/newsalert/. Dr. Jim Taylor is internationally recognized for his work in the psychology of performance in business, parenting, and sport. Jim is an author of ten books, including Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child and Your Children are Under Attack: How Popular Culture is Destroying Your Kids’ Values, and How You Can Protect Them. For more information on Dr. Taylor, visit: http://www.drjimtaylor.com/